Femme Fatales 02x03 Trophy Wife Original Air Date on June 8, 2012
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
[The Polyamorous Affair's Merry Go Round]
[Chatter and laughter]
- ♪ Cote d'Azur, we go, we go ♪
♪ we boogie boogie, party all night long ♪
[Singing in foreign language]
♪ Party till the break of dawn ♪
♪ little, brown bunnies on the dance floor ♪
♪ little, funky monkeys on the dance floor ♪
♪ little, blue birdies on the dance floor ♪
♪ playin' on the merry go round ♪
♪ Cote d'Azur, we go, we go ♪
- I'm sorry, Mrs. Flood, I'm not your guy.
- I thought you weren't afraid to get your hands dirty,
Mr. Darby.
- You're not talkin' 'bout dirty hands,
you're talkin' 'bout bloody hands, Mrs. Flood.
You're talking about murder.
That's illegal, even in this state.
- That's why the pay is so very good.
- [Grumbles]
You must have really scorched your earth, eh?
If you're so rich, why don't you just divorce him,
and take the settlement?
- I want you to hear something.
[Beep]
- [Over earpiece] We've been going over this for months.
How many times do we need to talk about this?
Gil! Listen, if you won't do it, I will.
I can get a gun, completely untraceable.
- So you're gonna do it yourself, just like that?
- Yeah, just like that, Gil.
I've killed before.
I went hunting, killed a little deer,
a cute, little Bambi, innocent,
eating berries and minding his own business.
- Bambi was a fawn, okay, Tatiana?
- Okay, whatever. I shot her right through the eye,
and I'm willing to do the same to your bitch of a wife.
- Yeah, that's really gonna work.
We can take her out to the desert and do it.
Put her in a hole, and that's that.
You said it yourself, she's a fucking leech,
and if you divorce her, she'll bleed you dry.
- Well, that is true. And she does love the desert.
She could just disappear.
- Exactly.
You work way too hard to give it all away to this
crow's feet, saggy tits, cottage cheese thighs, ugly,
old slut, fucking cu--
[beep]
- Does that sound like a divorce settlement to you?
- You should go to the cops. That's incriminating evidence.
- My husband's a mobbed-up lawyer.
He'll have this evidence thrown out
faster than you could say "circumstantial."
- I'm sure you have plenty of resources.
Why come to me?
- I googled "dirty ex-cops" and your name came up.
You really have quite the resume, don't you?
Indicted twice for manslaughter,
got off the first time on a technicality
and the second time
when the witness mysteriously disappeared.
Interesting hobbies-- drinking, gambling,
borrowing money from unsavory people.
- Too bad Paul Newman's dead. He could play me in the movie.
How much is in here?
- 20,000. There's another 20 after it's done.
- We're talking double homicide here.
- Yes. - Murder's a messy business.
- I am counting on it.
But I have one condition, and it's non-negotiable.
I decide when and where.
- [Laughs] Forget it.
Nobody tells me how to do my business.
This isn't my first barbecue.
You should get together with your friends,
establish an alibi.
It'll all be done when you get back.
- Well, like I said, my terms are non-negotiable,
so if you're not interested, I'll just find somebody who is.
- Wait a minute.
I didn't say I wasn't interested.
Why dirty your hands?
Murder has a stench, a stench that doesn't come out.
- I know, I smelled it as soon as you walked through the door.
But when you work for me, you do it my way, or not at all.
- I get 20 grand more when the deed is done?
- If you follow my instructions to the letter.
- You're not wearing a wire, are you?
Seeing as how
you like to, uh, record things.
- I assure you, Mr. Darby,
there's nothing you can possibly say
that would interest a tape recorder.
Now get your hands out of my tits.
- One more thing. - What's that?
- If you play me for a fool, Mrs. Flood,
one false move,
there'll be three dead bodies, not two.
Understood?
- Perfectly.
- Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,
especially when that woman is about to be replaced
by a younger, deadlier version of herself.
And for all the Botox, liposuction,
and skin treatments a desperate housewife could buy,
money cannot turn back the clock.
It is the inevitable, inexorable passage of time
that changes the rules.
So now Veronika's playing a new game,
a game of survival,
a game that I call "Trophy Wife."
[Sultry music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ I got my eye on you ♪
♪ I got my eye on you ♪
♪ and I'm on to you, too ♪
♪ your fooling around is getting blood on my shoes, oh ♪
♪ oh-uh, a-ah, oh, oh ♪
♪ oh-uh, a-ah ♪
♪ I've set my sights on you ♪
♪ set my sights on you ♪
♪ I've set my sights on you ♪
♪ got an alibi, too ♪
♪ so don't look around, I've got nothing to lose ♪
♪ oh-uh, a-ah, oh, oh ♪
♪ oh-uh, a-ah ♪
♪ oh-uh, a-ah, oh, oh ♪
♪ oh-uh, a-ah ♪
[Echoing gunshot]
- That's Gil's car, the silver one.
- Who owns the badass Camaro?
- Gil bought it for her,
and he pays her rent.
- That was kind. I'd kill for a car like that.
- You can have it once he's dead.
Call it a bonus. - Hmm.
[Beeps]
- [On recorder] [Laughs, speaks indistinctly]
Look at you. Really, that's all you got?
[Laughter] - Is that them?
- Yeah. I've been listening to them for a week.
- Isn't that kind of masochistic?
- It's the end of everything I've known for 20 years.
I just wanted to be sure.
- [On recorder] You're a little pussy, come on!
- [Laughs] - Get into it!
Come on, be a man. Be a man!
Be a fuckin' man!
- [Laughs] - Is that worse? Huh? Huh?
- Ooh! - There you go. There you go!
- Is that all you got? - Come on!
- [Laughing] Ooh!
- Get into it! [Both laugh]
Oh! Yeah!
Get into it! Shut up! Shut the fuck up and get into it!
- [Laughs] - Stop!
- Give me that potty mouth.
- Harder. Harder!
- [Laughs] - Get into it!
Oh, you think this is funny? - Oh, yeah!
You think it's funny? Huh?
- Do you want to fuck around? - Yeah!
- Let's fuck around. - Oh! [Groans]
[Grunts] Come on! Oh!
[Both grunt and groan]
- There you go. There you go. Oh!
[Both grunt and groan] There you go. Oh!
[On recorder] God, oh! Oh, oh...
[Moaning and groaning]
[Grunting and moaning]
- Fuck, I'm almost done. Fuck, don't move.
- Oh! [Panting]
[Breathes deeply, both sigh]
- [Whispering] Gil.
- You fuckin' hit me again, I'll kill you.
[Both laugh]
- Huh. I don't get it. Why are we here, what is it?
Do you get your jollies listening to this kind of shit?
- Just--just wait.
- [On recorder] Baby, that was unbelievable.
You fuck me like a porn star.
- The porn star that loves you. - Mmm.
- I'd do anything for you. - Mmm.
- What I want to know is, will you do anything for me?
- Well, I've been thinkin' about
what we talked about the other night,
and I think you might be right. - Of course I'm right.
- I divorce her, she's gonna take me for everything I got,
and then there's gonna be nothin' left for us.
[On recorder] She's not a reasonable woman.
- She's the only thing standing between you and our happiness.
Gil, you love me.
You're not even sleeping with her anymore.
- [Sighs]
- It's no different than calling an exterminator.
If you had a rat in your house, you'd kill it, wouldn't you?
- [Sighs]
Let's do it.
[Recorder beeps off] - That Tatiana,
she's a piece of work, isn't she?
Okay, wait here. - Wait a minute.
You're not doing anything here, and certainly not now.
- Excuse me, did you hear what I heard?
There's no mistaking what they're talking about.
If they kill you, I don't get the other half of my money.
Now, we're here. They're here.
We might not get this chance again.
- I said not here.
What about blood? Bodies? DNA evidence?
No, we're gonna take 'em out to the desert,
like they wanted to do to me,
and then they disappear, forever.
- How do we do that? Invite 'em on a moonlight drive?
- Gil's birthday is tomorrow, and I'm sure he's gonna find
some pathetic excuse to go party with that whore.
I say we do it then.
- We? - It's my rules.
Non-negotiable, remember?
- [Chuckles]
Listening to those two in there fucking,
and knowing that they're in there, planning to kill you,
and knowing that you're gonna beat them at their own plan,
kinda turns you on, doesn't it?
- I don't know what you're talkin' about, Mr. Darby.
- The hell you don't.
Tell me you're always this wet, Mrs. Flood.
- [Gasps] No.
Not always.
- I got one condition, too.
And that's also non-negotiable.
[Both groan]
- [Breathes hard]
- Wait a minute, big guy.
[Zipper unzips]
[Both breathe deeply]
We seem to have a problem here.
- Show me your tits.
[Sighs]
- Ooh. [Breathes deeply]
[Inhales deeply]
[Exhales]
I think we're ready, Mrs. Flood.
- This isn't my first barbecue either, Mr. Darby.
- [Breathes in sharply]
[Moans and grunts]
- Mornin', Ronnie.
- Morning.
And Happy Birthday.
- Well, thank you. It is.
- I didn't hear you come in last night.
- I didn't want to wake you. We worked till like,
I don't know, 3:00 in the morning.
How'd you sleep?
- [Sighs] I had the strangest dream.
I was out at the desert somewhere,
and there were these rats all around me,
but they were friendly rats.
- Friendly rats?
- Yeah, it was weird. You were in it, too.
But you were just standing there.
There was somebody else with you,
but I can't really remember.
What do you think it means?
- I don't think dreams mean anything.
I think they're just thoughts, memories
kind of spliced together.
In your case, it's probably something you're watching on TV.
- Yeah, you're probably right.
- Look, I hate to run, but I gotta be in court in an hour.
- All work and no play makes Gil a dull boy.
Why don't we stay in tonight?
- I can't, I got a client dinner.
Ronnie, don't give me that face.
You know that I'd rather spend an evening with you
than nosing up some client.
You remember Nino Zachetti, from Chicago?
- No.
- His trial's starting.
I gotta go through a ton of stuff with him tonight.
I don't want to lie to you, we're probably gonna run late,
so don't wait up.
- Call me later. - Yeah.
[Door closes]
- Looks quiet. You want me to go in there first?
- Nope. They're unconscious.
And if they're not, we'll make 'em unconscious.
- I like your style.
- So we'll leave my car here,
and we'll take 'em out in Gil's car.
- I get the Camaro, right?
- As long as I don't have to see it again.
- Hey, we go in there, you do exactly what I tell you to do.
No back talk, I'm the boss here. Got that?
- Okay, whatever you say, boss.
- What are those?
- I copied all of Gil's keys.
- Nice.
[Slow jam music]
- ♪ Satisfy me ♪
♪ ♪
♪ satisfy me ♪
♪ take control ♪
♪ satisfy me ♪
♪ ♪
♪ satisfy me ♪
♪ take control ♪
- He's out.
- Well, go find her.
Turn off that music. - Yeah.
♪ ♪
♪ satisfy me ♪
[Music gets louder]
[Music shuts off, Mr. Darby grunts]
- Mmm, mmm, mmm.
- Mr. Darby? - Yeah.
- Let's go.
Throw something on her.
I can't stand lookin' at that bitch's perky tits.
Turn the water off. - Why?
- It's wasteful.
- [Sighs]
[Sighs] Come on, Kitty.
- What are you tryin' to do, guess her weight?
Put her down over there.
- We could just take 'em out to the desert and bury 'em alive.
Same result, less effort.
- No, we can't. - Why not?
- I wouldn't do that to an animal, let alone my husband.
He loved me once.
We even had a good marriage for a while.
I don't know what happened. - I do. Tatiana.
- Pull Gil's car into the driveway.
Let's get him into the trunk. - Where are we goin'?
- Don't worry about it. We'll be there by morning.
- [Grunts] Ah!
Okay, so what's it gonna be?
Mexican style, with a lot of pleading and dancing?
Or old-school mob, one in each temple?
- Neither.
Don't do anything until I say so.
If you do, you're not gonna see a cent of your money.
Wake 'em up.
- Wake up. - [Gasps]
- [Grunts] - [Breathes hard]
What?
Oh! [Both whimper]
- Oh. - [Breathing hard] What?
Gil, no! - Oh, shit.
- What is this? Where are we?
- Take it easy. Veronika, really?
- Hello, Gil. Happy Birthday.
- And I was worried you were gonna do something crazy.
- You're Veronika?
- Veronika, Tatiana. Tatiana, Veronika.
- What were you expecting? Someone more rat-like?
Get up.
- [Whimpering] What is this? - Just get up.
- Gil, what is-- - come on.
- [Whimpers]
- Sorry to interrupt, sweetheart.
Start diggin', Flood.
- [Laughing] You're gonna shoot me,
and you think I'm gonna dig the hole for you, too?
- Dig to China, pal.
- [Whimpers]
- You really outdid yourself this time, Ronnie.
- Well, if you get tired,
you could always get the exterminator to help you.
- [Crying] Listen to me, I have nothin' to do with this.
You have to hear me.
He was plotting something against you,
and I tried to get him to stop.
I tried to stop him, I promise.
- You gotta come up with a better line than that,
sweetheart, the Mrs. is way ahead of you.
- I didn't even know she was still married.
He told me that he was divorced, and that his ex-wife...
His ex-wife was tryin' to take all his money,
and he was gonna kill her,
and I told him not to.
I told him he was crazy!
- Look, look. Okay, that's actually the truth.
She had nothin' to do with this. Just let the poor girl go.
- Oh, so noble. Please, Gil, you make me sick.
- All right, let's just do this, okay?
- [Sobbing] No, wait! Wait.
He just told you, I had nothing to do with this. I'm innocent.
- You haven't been innocent
since you were in utero, sweetie.
Keep digging, chief.
- [Sobbing] Please!
Please, I'm begging you, please don't.
Don't! You can't just shoot me like this!
I didn't do anything. I was trying to help you.
[Beeps]
[On recorder] Okay, whatever.
I shot her right through the eye,
and I'm willing to do the same to your bitch of a wife.
Listen to me! We can take her out to the desert and do it.
Put her in a hole, and that's that.
- What part of that was helpful?
- He forced me to say those things.
He did, he said he would hurt me if I didn't go along with it.
[Sobbing] He did. He said he would kill me!
- Just knock it off, Tati, okay?
We're caught. Just take it like a man.
- [Laughs] Tati.
- All right, Ronnie. Can we just work this out?
I'll give you everything, all of it.
We'll disappear, you'll never see either one of us again.
- Oh, I think things have gone a little bit too far
to forgive and forget.
Don't you think?
- What's gonna keep you from goin' to the police?
Keep diggin', come on.
- I just ruined a $1,200 pair of shoes.
- I'll get those shoes when you're done.
That's good enough.
- You think?
- Get in the hole.
- No.
- Do it!
[Gunshot] - Oh!
- I'll shoot you in the kneecaps,
and you'll wish you were dead. Get in the hole.
- Come on. - [Whimpers]
- Oh, how touching.
If you had been that much of a gentleman with me,
we wouldn't be here right now.
- It doesn't have to end like this, Ronnie.
- Yes, it does.
- Okay. Which one's first?
- [Crying] No, please. I'm begging you, please stop!
Don't, please! - All right, stop, just stop.
Shoot me first, okay?
- Turn around.
- You're gonna kill me, motherfucker,
you look me in the eyes.
I want you to remember me when you sleep at night.
- You've got balls, but I'm a great sleeper.
Hey, Ronnie, tell me when.
- On three. Don't call me that.
One... Two...
- [Whimpers]
[Gunshot] - [Screams]
- [Groans]
- [Screams]
[Whimpers]
- [Sniffs]
- You're next, Gil.
But first I'm gonna get Tati.
- [Crying] No, please. Please!
I'm begging you, please don't. I'm begging you.
- Oh, I'm gonna enjoy this. Make you suffer like Bambi.
And I like Bambi.
- Fuck you, you fuckin' bitch!
You and your fuckin' husband. Yeah, I fucked him,
and he loved it. Look at you and look at me.
You're just mad because your husband found a real woman!
- Ah, there you are. So nice to see the real you come out.
- Sagging tits and crow's feet.
- Now you're just pissin' her off.
- Cottage cheese thighs.
Fuck you!
[Gunshot] Oh!
- And now you, Gil.
- [Breathes deep]
Fuck it.
- Happy Birthday, darling.
[Laughs] - Oh.
That was fuckin' unbelievable!
Are you fucking kidding me?
- [Laughs] - Ronnie,
are you fucking kidding me?
You outdid yourself, like, you don't even know!
Oh, you did this for me! You piece of shit, huh?
You thought you were gonna kill me?
Have a fuckin' nice sleep now. - Ah.
- Baby, I can barely contain myself.
- Oh. - Oh, yeah? Barely?
- Yeah. - You doin' okay?
- I took a Viagra with that spiked champagne...
- [Laughs]
- I've got about 30 minutes left.
- [Sighs]
- How 'bout my birthday present, huh?
[New wave music]
♪ ♪
- ♪ ba-bah ba ba, ba-bah ba ba ♪
- [Sighing] Oh.
- ♪ You're so strange ♪
♪ ba-bah ba ba, ba-bah ba ba ♪
♪ you're so strange ♪
♪ ba-bah ba ba, ba-bah ba ba ♪
♪ you're so strange ♪
♪ ba-bah ba ba, ba-bah ba ba ♪
♪ you're so strange ♪
♪ just like me ♪
♪ ba-bah ba ba, ba-bah ba ba... ♪
♪ you're so strange ♪
- [Grunts]
- ♪ You're so strange ♪
[Moaning and groaning]
♪ You're so strange ♪
♪ ba-bah ba ba ♪
♪ you're so strange... ♪
[Music fades]
- Well, it looks like
some scorned women aren't that furious after all.
This one's for the first wives,
for those women with the experience and the imagination
younger women cannot even begin to know...
For those women who know that sexual attraction
isn't only to be found in firm, supple, young breasts,
smooth legs, and perfectly sculpted bodies,
but in the mind, in the psyche,
in the darkest depths of your soul.
As for Veronika and Gil,
it really is one of nature's majestic wonders
that two people, unique in their romantic depravity,
have found one another,
because after all, even psychopaths need love.
[Laughs]
- ♪ You're so strange ♪ - ♪ ba-bah ba ba ♪
- ♪ you're so strange ♪
♪ just like me ♪
- ♪ I shake it all night and sleep all day ♪
♪ someone's got to run this little speakeasy ♪
♪ I shake it all night and sleep all day ♪
♪ someone's got to run this little speakeasy ♪
- ♪ you're so strange ♪ - ♪ ba-bah ba ba ♪
- ♪ you're so strange, just like me ♪
- ♪ ba-bah ba ba, ba-bah ba ba... ♪
== sync, corrected by elderman ==
- Kill, Ubu, kill.
Good fish.